Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
