He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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