got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
