it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
How does one acquire holy water?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
