You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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