why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
