fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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