I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
