just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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