Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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