Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
