Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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