i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
