she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
