You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
