well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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