I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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