Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
