I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
