do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
