I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
