Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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