I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
