I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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