According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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