I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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