i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
