Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
