Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
