first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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