i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i need an iv and a liver transplant
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
