i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
