the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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