When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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