so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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