Already got asked if we're dating
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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