Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
