turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
