a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm like, not good at living.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
