i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
me + whiskey = a bad person
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
