Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
