Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
