There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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