just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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