my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Randomize
