i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
