if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
