I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
