I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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