went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
